Yesterday,
I went to Joanns, taking all 3 of my majestic designs that I'd finished
(including Mr. Saffron-you can call me mellow-yellow, but I still say it's
saffron, Donovan)....and went in to ask how I could do my OWN designs without
that stupid error message popping up that says, "Get off the middle of the
hoop--get on your OWN side, or we won't do no stinkin' work for YOU today,
missy...so there. Bite me." Which has meant that I had to
repeat a design, mirror-imaged, but have a small space between the two images
(that would be the bottom of the bag, which isn't a real big deal, EXCEPT--I
WANT to be able to do a design that takes up the entire bag, dammit).
Anyway, Susan was working the VSM shop--that's the Viking store in Joanns
(don't ask me what the S&M stand for, because what I USUALLY think is not
what these women look like they'd EVER be doing, ANYWHERE, even remotely CLOSE
to something that resembles S or M). But V stands for Viking--or at
least, I hope it does....let's not even go there.
So I explain this problem to Susan who tells me she's only begun to play with
her majestic hoop, so she really can't answer my questions, but admires my work
anyway, and then holds up this little software cd that says, "How Do
I?" and at the bottom of the bag it says "Outsmart the GodAlmighty
F'ing Majestic Hoop so it will do whatever I WANT it to do, on command?"
Or some kind of bs like that....for a mere $29.95....(it's always something at
VSM--no one ever knows anything, but they can SELL you the answer). Ok
then--I'm desperate AND I'm game--I'll buy it.
And THIS time, I've got so many freaking points (from buying my last Diamond),
that the darned software is actually FREE to ME!!! Yahoo and Comcast!! In
fact, I even got 5 spools of Robison-Anton thread, too--ha, ha....VSM didn't
make any $$ yesterday on me....(of course, Joanns was another story
entirely--but at least I remembered my 10% off everything coupon...)
And believe it or not--not only did I read the instructions and watch the
damned cd, but IT WORKED!! I got a complete design sent to my Diamond
that I MADE UP MYSELF, and the machine actually gave me that wonderful message
that I love to see--you know, the one where it asks me, "Want us to do all
the work on one side first, so you can stop and admire it, oh most beautiful
master, the best designer we've ever worked with in our short little lives--or
would you like us to jump around from place to place on this f'ing hoop, and
make you nervous as hell, wondering what the heck we're up to now?"
I always check, "You can stay right where you are, bitch, until I
say..."turn over," and then we'll see how well you did."
And away we go.....I'm so excited, because now I can also do design alignment
of my other designs--like the first bag that I did for Wicked1 that she carries around....in other words, I can go ahead,
design the WHOLE bag on this one hoop, split it, (then you actually recombine
it, for some odd reason), send it to the machine, let it embroider one half,
turn the hoop, and then--because fabric DOES shift, I can double-check my
stitches with that design alignment feature, but the Diamond will then
AUTOMATICALLY line up the design and do the other half of the bag,
PERFECTLY....
So, guess what? It will look JUST LIKE IT CAME OFF A MACHINE, (like my
girlfriend says), or LIKE IT WAS MADE IN CHINA--yea!! You know you've
become a professional when your shit looks like it was machine-made, or came
from China by way of WalMart....(I should be famous within a week or two if
this keeps up).
Now--about the Emmys....I did a lot more research on them--Secret Room Events,
that is....they ARE the real deal, first of all. Wicked1, I will forward the
email they sent me, along with the secret password to get into the Emmy site (how cool is that?)...and there MIGHT still be one sponsorship left
where we could actually go OUT there--for like some small amount of our meager fortune (hah!). Imagine us at the
Emmy's, Patty....how fun would that be?!?!?! (For just small part of your anatomy, you get a 4
ft table to display all your lovely stuff on....which you also give away, I think; rooms at
the Hyatt are a stinking $179/night, if you tell them you're with SRE--a
BARGAIN, if you ask me....and you get some other stuff, like press....I didn't
look at it too carefully because I wasn't thinking about that one)....anyway,
yes--we'd put UP to 2 items in each bag (40 bags); and there's a size limit, too.
I haven't talked much with Mike about it, except that he's ALL FOR IT--saying
we don't have much to lose except some sweat equity, and the possibility of
gains from someone who just might be the next Jennifer Anniston even if she IS
the floor sweeper at the Emmy's backstage who happens to snag one of our gift
bags and takes it home, but now she's got a decent purse to carry to her next
audition, which gives her some confidence and so she BLOWS the audition right
out of the water, gets the part, becomes rich/famous overnight, and as she's
walking down Rodeo Drive, someone stops her and says, "Hey, Ms.
Anniston-look-alike, where'd you get that GORGEOUS bag and bracelet? We
justlikeyouknowcan'tstoplikelookinglikeadoringlikeit!!"
And she just smiles sweetly, and says...."Oh--you must, MUST MUST shop
Wicked Sisters2--they're liketheverylikethesweetestlikethebestlikeshop..."
(her publicist grabs her then, realizing she's late for voice lesson #2--How to
Like Stop "Like" Every Other Like Word....Before It's Like Too F'ing
Like Late...
But word is (like) out....and we're the next Vera & Kate Spade....or
something (like) that....anyway, that was Mike's point (or at least, what I took
from it--I kind of, like, extrapolated a bit from what he said....)
But, I agree--right now, I have close to 20 finished bags, if I could count the
5 day bags. I have 3 day bags on the cutting table--that is, cut and
ready to sew. I'm now designing smaller bags, since I was thinking we'd
do this--and frankly W1, I was working myself around to the thinking that even
if you DIDN'T want to do it, I probably would go ahead anyway--just with
evening bags, and take the chance....why not? So it "depletes all of
my inventory." The SALES sure as hell aren't, at the moment,
anyway....a girlfriend is coming over to pick out HER
bag....she wanted to see "her options...." Too funny....her
options? Like I'm some kind of fashion designer...."Here, you can
pick from this fabric, this thread, and this design...." Or a
Chinese restaurant--choose one from column A, 2 from column B....sheesh....I
sure hope she can "envision," or visualize--or else this will be a
LONG visit.
Anyway--I would do it just for the chance to send them ALL out there, write
about it on blog, and then? Start making new bags all over
again....and, AND hopefully tell stories about what happened to our purses--or
better yet, make UP stories about what happened "on the way to the
Emmy's...." Gee, I might finally even WATCH the damned show for
once--just to see if the backstage stuff really SHOWS our bags!! How cool
would that be, anyway? And, they select a charity (last year it was
Easter Seals) to sponsor their event....in fact--there are a couple of
different shows to watch--Access hollywood, both daytime AND nighttime, the
Today show 4th hour, Andy Cohen's show (whatever that whatawaste gay guy
does--something on Bravo...what a perfect place for him)....and then, of
course--the EMMY's themselves....(finally, spellchecker likes it if you
capitalize the EMMY's, otherwise, it's a no-no). What if your NAME was
Emmy? Ah ha!! Fooled it again....Emmy is okay, EMMY's is okay...I
give up.
Nevermind....now it doesn't like THAT. (I hate spellcheck). Well,
I'm off to the sweatshop--er, studio. Oh, I forgot to tell you--last week we did fireworks on the
lake--they were gorgeous. I always think the really gigantic ones--I
think they call them chrysanthemums--look just like what I would describe an
orgasm like....(I used to tell Bob that). And when they come in a big
wave--a series of them, boom-boom-boom? That's a multiple....at least,
what I can remember of them, anyway....but LAST week, I looked at them, and
thought, "I wish I could design those..." Not orgasms, but the
fireworks. (Well, it would be nice if you could design orgasms, too--but
I think Georgia O'Keefe was trying to do that for years with her paintings,
even if she WAS an excuse
me-very-talented-gay-lesbian-nice-lady-who-lived-in-a-tiny-little-house-in-Santa-Fe-NM-and-no-one-wanted-to-admit-it-about-either-her-OR-her-paintings-that-they-were-kinda-suggestive-so-everyone-just-said-"gee,
aren't they cute, Georgia-darling, you should hang these in the foyer where
everyone can see them, or in the powder room...." but-no-I-can't-afford-one-right-now-and-NOW-they're-wishing-they'd-bought-one-of-her-stinkin-gay-suggestive-paintings-instead-of-getting-stuck-with-one-of-her-bazillion-posters-some-idiot-made-a-fortune-off-of).
Nope--I just wish I could design the fireworks as beautiful fireworks--and then
repeat the design on fabric....unless of course, someone started thinking of ME
as another Georgia O'Keefe....crap...then we're off to the whole gay-lesbian
thing again....which means I'd have to go through 99 dates from hell....just
for good imagery....
On the other hand, maybe it's not so bad--being gay. This is a dumb line
of thought--I gotta go do something else.
So--we agree? We'll split the fee and come up with products? Then we can say, "We are proud sponsors of the 65th Annual Emmy Awards Show this year!!" Hip, hip, Hooray!!
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